Republicans Are Dumb

I spend a lot of time wondering why Republicans are so dumb. I am fascinated by how their minds “work.” I’m not talking about the Republicans from the 80’s and 90’s, those old-school normal people like my father – I’m talking about the modern-day MAGA mouth breathers who seem to have dominated the party ever since…oh…the black dude was elected President.

Republicans are dumb

Why did these idiots complain about the stimulus package in 2009 when the economy collapsed, then complain about the slow recovery, then claim that Donald Drumpf was responsible for the eventual recovery merely two months into his term? Why did they say that 5% unemployment didn’t accurately reflect reality under Obama but take credit for it under Dolt45? Why did they bring our legislative branch to a halt only to complain about how government sucks? Why did they think that IRS agents would come to their door to demand Obamacare tax penalties? Why did they think that Obama and Hillary were coming for their guns?

Because Republicans are dumb.

Why did they think that Mexico would pay for a border wall to keep out Mexicans? Why do they yell at Indian Sikhs for being terrorists? Why do they side with traitors past and present, crying like snowflakes to defend Confederate monuments while demanding that football players stand for the flag? Why did they think it was funny to make a reality show star the leader of the free world just to “shake things up?” Why do they watch Fox News, which is under FBI investigation for spreading Russian propaganda?

Because Republicans are dumb.

Why do they use “whataboutism” counter-arguments for just about fucking everything in the public discourse, a known Soviet propaganda technique? Why did their political party accept money from Russian oligarchs? Why do they think that, just because Democrats are saying the same words that came out of their mouths like “this president is an embarrassment” and “he is trampling on the Constitution” that it makes this current total shit show just “politics as usual”? Why do Republicans defend a President who obstructed justice on national television and whose son admitted to conspiring with the Russians to win the 2016 election?

Because Republicans are dumb.

These idiots came out of the woodwork to bray like lobotomized donkeys when Donald Trump was elected. Thanks to them, we have Nazis killing innocent people in the streets of America. We are on the brink of nuclear war in Asia via Twitter. We are the embarrassment of the world.

Thanks, you dumb Republican motherfuckers.

My Latest Evil Prank

So I received a text message the other night from someone I didn’t know.  Because I am an evil man, I texted her back.  The text chat took place over the course of about four hours.  Early into this process I realized that she could be a minor and that I could be arrested, so I tried to find out whether she was a high school student through some weird statements you’ll read below.

Ashley: Hello matt its ashley

Me: Hi Ashley

Ashley: Hello

Me: How are you?? What are you doing?

Ashley: Just getting off work

Me: What are you wearing

Ashley: My jammies why

Ashley: Helloooo

Me: Sorry my ringer was turned down

Ashley: Its ok what r u doing

Me: I’m watching tv…

Me: How was work

Ashley: Busy why did u ask me what i was wearing

Me: Why is that bad?

Ashley: Its not

Me: 🙂

Me: I’m thinking about you

Ashley: Really

Me: When am I going to get to see you?

Ashley: When we set up a date

Me: I like it, I like it.  But I’m afraid that you will be turned off by some of the things from my past

Ashley: No I wont tell me about it

Me: Well, I had a really hard time growing up in my family so sometimes I’ve had trouble opening up and being vulnerable with people I’m in a relationship with…I put a wall up and I’m working on it

Me: Helloooo

Ashley: Yess ur last word was i i thought u were still typing sorry

Me: Really? I wonder why my text got cut off…

Me: Too long I guess

Me: There is one more thing you need to know about me

Ashley: Ohh

Ashley: What??? Honey

Me: Well, two things.

Me: One thing I need to tell u is that I was born with a tail.

Me: And the other thing I need to tell you is that this isn’t Matt. You have the wrong number. Haha

Ashley: Who is this

Me: I am the man who was born with a tail

Ashley: Ur matt right

Ashley: Helloooo

Me: So you are OK with me being born with a tail, baby?

Ashley: I think it would be cute cn i see a pic

Me: Haha I had it removed.

Me: Do you think it is fair the way people treat each other in high school?

Ashley: No why

Me: Was it easy for you?

Ashley: How am i supposed to belive u

Ashley: No

Me: People made fun of me

Ashley: Well i have a little secret myself i have three nipples is that ok

Me: That’s totally hot

Ashley: What did they say

Ashley: Do u think its weird

Me: No baby

Ashley: U must be a wild animal lol

Ashley: What did they say too u

Me: They used to call me Lawrence Tail-or

Ashley: Ohhh ur joking

Me: No, they also yelled that my tail was probably longer than my dong

Me: Oh Ashley

Me: Won’t you touch my tail or maybe my dong?

Me: Listen, we have to end this bit–I’m tired and have to get to bed.  Write back something where you are really mad at me for messing with you and we can wrap this up, OK?

Me: I love you Ashley

Ashley: Wiggle wiggle night night

Me: 🙂

Ashley: Luv u to

Me: By the way, I murdered my younger brother when I was twelve

Ashley: Yes if u joking thats not funny so I dont belive u have a tale and ur crazy im done talking to u bye

Me: Nooooooooo

Ashley: Yesssssssssss

Me: Oh Ashley

Ashley: What matt

Me: I’M NOT MATT YOU IDIOT

Me: Wiggle wiggle night night?  I mean, I couldn’t write comedy better than that, you three-nippled gullible little dumb-dumb

Ashley: Who r u then

Ashley: U dumb enough to belive i had three nipples u ass

Me:  Haha, touche Ashley, touche

Ashley: Ur a dick dont text me back

Ashley: Ur stupid

Furthur, Hiccups, and Pennsylvanians

THANK YOU FURTHUR for a real good time! The Althea, along with “Estimated > Eyes > Rider, Golden Slumbers > Carry That Weight were all great and I had a really, really fun time at the Petersen Events Center on 03/30/2011. LOVED IT!

I got the hiccups during the first set, however, and I knew that my entire show could be in jeopardy, since once my diaphragm gets a twitchin’, I can end up looking like a ginger version of Foster Brooks doing his drunken airline pilot bit.

I came up with an incredible idea, however. I asked my girlfriend to punch me in the stomach when I least expected it. It didn’t work at first, but let me tell you, it worked eventually. She kept ramping up the level of surprise as well as force, and sure enough, a punch to the gut is a great way to solve the hiccup problem if you don’t want to drink your beer upside down while standing in coliseum seating.

Speaking of venues, I’d like to thank the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania for your hospitality once again. Thank you, unfriendly waitress in the Oakland Holiday Inn restaurant…thank you, drunken idiots on our shuttle…thank you, guy who demanded “pharmies” from me and sex from my girlfriend in the hallway of the hotel, and finally, thank you, totally unhelpful jackwagon jerkoff ladies at the hotel front desk and in Housekeeping.

There were 2 Pennsylvanians who were friendly to us during our visit, so I have to acknowledge them. Thank you, lady pouring beer on the mezzanine who made jokes and smiled. And thank you, toothless old guy pouring beer at the hot dog stand. But as for the rest of you, once again it seems like I am pissing you off by being alive. SORRY Pennsylvania. JEESH.

So, the tradition continues – I once again vow to never see a concert in Pennsylvania ever again. We’ll see how long the vow holds up this time. 😛

Best Product Review Ever – “Ipod Trash” by 1oneeyejeff

While reading reviews of the newest ipod, I stumbled across this gem.  I didn’t make any of this up, I swear.  If you are bored at first, keep reading…it gets better and better.


“I-Pod Trash” on December 14, 2010 by 1oneeyejeff (1 review)

Pros: I-Pod Touch 4G is a nice small portable mobile device without any monthly payment, which I-phone requires.
I-Pod Touch provides MP3 music, photos, video and Internet accessibility.

Cons: Without computer and no Wi-Fi connectivity, I-Pod Touch is useless.
I-Pod Touch requires to have I-Tunes or it won’t work without I-Tunes for transferring files.
Mediocre Camera – very poor.
Short Battery life – requires more charging than often.

Summary: I-Pod Touch 4th generation (64GB) was my first Apple product I bought. It was the most disappointed product in my recent memory. I was frustrated and deeply disappointed with I-Pod Touch 4G. I will never buy Apple product again. We recommend avoiding I-Pod Touch because it will cost you more and it will force you to depend heavily on your computer that creates more hassles. Without computer and no Wi-Fi connectivity, I-Pod Touch is useless. If you are considering traveling in overseas, hiking in a wilderness in the mountain, boating on the seashore, and/or, driving on the vacation trip. I-Pod Touch will be out of touch because several places have not Wi-Fi accessibility.

Here are several reasons we do not like about I-Pod Touch:

1. A small plastic package of I-Pod Touch is hazardous to our health. After I received the mail package, I struggled to open an unusual plastic box of I-pod Touch for a half hour. I did not see any open signs on the plastic package. I finally opened up by snapping apart and it nearly cut my vein by sharp plastic edge. I did not realize that there were invisible tapes between two separate plastic containers.

2. There is no technical manual in the package. There is no detailed technical information to do how to operate. The package comes with a cheapen headphone and a small startup information folding sheet. I tried to figure out I-Pod Touch work to activate Wi-Fi accessibility because of a lack of technical manual and so, I had to look up in Internet.

3. I-Pod Touch requires Wi-Fi router. If you do not have Wi-Fi router or accessibility at your home, I-Pod Touch will not work for Internet accessibility. It will cost you more if you buy Wi-Fi router and subscription.

4. I-Pod Touch requires Apple software I-Tunes on your computer or any computer. If you want to transfer music, e-reader, etc without I-Tunes, then it never works. Everything is running by Apple monopolized I-Tunes for I-Pod Touch, I-Phone, and I-Pad. There is no such thing as “Cut and Paste” from CD music files to I-Pod Touch without using I-Tunes. Apple owned I-Tunes asked me my personal identification and credit card number in order to activate I-Tunes and I-Pod Touch after given my personal information to them. Apple wants you to buy their I-Tunes and many applications they sell for their huge profits. There is a poor management of playlists in I-Pod Touch and I-Tunes. There is an unpleasantly trick to reorganize playlists what you want.

5. Transfer Kindle e-books and other e-books to I-Pod Touch is extremely intricate and it is an very unfriendly and complex interface that frustrated and disillusioned several users, especially for readers.

6. Difficult to type correctly on I-Pod Touch made us annoying. I typed on it with my fat finger or thumb, and I tried to type correctly. It took a while to make perfection.

7. The screen does not change the position for a bigger size when I turned I-Pod touch to 90 degree. I-Pad does have capability to change the screen position when it turned 90 degree.

8. Mediocre Camera on I-Pod Touch is incredible poor. The photo looks somewhat fuzzy and it turned out to be much lower than 1MB pixel photo.

9. Battery did not last more than five hour. It forced us to charge more often than usual. Apple wants Ipod Touch users to attach to computers via USB in order to let Apple to spy your privacy especially I-pod users while Ipod Touch is charging.

I was duped to buy Ipod Touch 4G because enormous propaganda Apple advertisement lured me to buy this high-tech wonders toy that provides e-book readers, MP3 music, and Internet accessibility. Now we did not trust CNET reviews because CNET reviewers deliberately covered up the negative critics of these Apple products and they noisily encouraged us to buy I-Pod Touch by using their falsifying top-rank honor mark on this Apple product. I decided to send I-pod Touch back to the shop and refund for it.

Apple never learns the lesson for their fate of Macintosh PCs twenty years ago. Their goal is to monopolize for the profit purposes. Oil companies had successful monopolized our economy by serving gas stations to run our gas-running vehicles and we buy gas in order to keep our vehicle running. Without oil, our vehicle cannot run. Without electronic and oil, we return to a time of the Stone Age!