For the last 10 years, I made my fascination with monkeys quite public. I encouraged people to find figurines of what I termed “scary monkeys” so I could collect them and display them proudly. I dressed up as a monkey in a diaper for Halloween one year. I even traveled to a country known for its monkeys so I could watch one sit on my knee during breakfast.
Well, I declare my Monkey Phase to be officially over. Partly because of the recent incidents involving the faces and genitals of people being ripped off, and partly because I’m an adult man, I think I need to remove all monkey items from my life.
You see, there was a trifecta of horrifying monkey murder stories that came to my attention in the span of just one month. First was the horrifying incident with Travis the Chimpanzee that we’re all familiar with. Then I read this riveting Esquire story from an incident two years ago, the one where the chimp birthday party went wrong, complete with a horrific picture of what the guy looks like today – the guy with no more genitals.
The final straw was reading this story, which describes a monkey deliberately murdering his master with a coconut.
Farewell, you evil monkeys. You are out of my life.
Each day, I drive through a subdivision that is being terrorized by Canada Geese. They have apparently achieved Elite status because Ohio law forbids killing them.
But refraining from executing geese is a far cry from allowing them to dictate rush hour traffic. As I drive to work, I’m amazed at how often the mongoloid humans I share the roads with follow this course of action:
1. Stop your 2-ton vehicle to allow the goose to cross the road with her cute little goslings in tow
2. Wait seven minutes while the goose stops in the middle of the road to look at you, with your slack-jawed moon face in the windshield
3. Slowly inch your car forward to shoo the goose out of the way
Here’s an idea: Immediately go to Step 3, you idiots.
A couple years ago, I read an article in Popular Science about a new product coming out – colored bubbles. Apparently, getting bubbles to be any color other than clear is next to impossible. In fact, it took one of the world’s top physicists to figure out how to make bubbles hold a color, like blue, green, black, whatever – and then the inventor had to make sure they didn’t stain anything after they popped. So, basically they are colored bubbles made of disappearing ink. How cool is that??
So this entrepreneur who has been working on colored bubbles for like, 10 years finally achieves it. He builds a website with videos of kids playing with colored bubbles. He names the product Zubbles.
Well, they are not out yet and I am getting impatient.
No, I don’t really like bubbles all that much.
No, I don’t have children who like bubbles.
But yes, I AM a nerd who thinks that colored bubbles are pretty darn cool.
Well, the new ipod Shuffle came out recently, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to continue being a big hater when it comes to Apple products.
While it is true that my very first computer was an Apple IIe, on which I played fantastic games like Zork and Aztec, I have been a PC person ever since the war began and I was forced to choose sides. The ipod and the iphone have changed the landscape, making the Apple Cult into a mainstream one, but I have continued resisting the i-zombies. Instead of an ipod, I use a Creative Nomad Jukebox 3, which is the size of a dinner plate. I am mocked for it wherever I go. I even have old-school headphones, so I look about as chic as this guy when I’m on the go:
I went with the Creative Labs Jukebox 3 because it has great geek stats: the best signal-to-noise ratio out there, the ability to plug a digital optical cable into it so you can record music from your DVR or DVD player, and a laptop hard drive, which I upgraded to 120 gigs. I speak of those stats proudly as I am mocked, as I stare into the pity-filled eyes of people who could care less about signal-to-noise ratios. You fools! My ratio blows your ratio away, and there is nothing you can do about it except continuing to not care.
Well, I hear this stupid new ipod Shuffle has no buttons on it, and it talks. It’s apparently so small that you could drop it into your salad and accidentally eat it. And it’s so hip that my coolness complex compels me to join the crowd and get one, along with those nifty white earbuds.
But I will continue the Resistance. After all, if I bring a knapsack or duffel bag with me wherever I go, I can carry around my Jukebox 3 just fine, thank you.