Donald Trump Will Resign So He Can Have Some Sex

Donald Trump has probably not had sex in at least 72 days. After all, he’s constantly flanked by Secret Service and will get busted if he smuggles a 19 year-old Russian model into Mar-A-Lago. At his age, he may not be into actual sex anymore, but I’m sure it kills him that he can no longer defile and humiliate young girls like he used to. Because of this, and a mountain of other clues suggesting that Donnie never wanted the job of President, I think he will resign.

While observing the outrageous things he has said and done, I have been saying for at least a year that either A) Donald Trump was purposely trying to lose the election or B) He suffers from Frontotemporal Dementia (is crazy). Here are a few reasons why I think he wanted to destroy his chances (and thereby take himself off the hook to serve Vladimir Putin’s interests) to win the election:

  • He retweeted and liked tweets by white supremacists and KKK members
  • He called Mexican immigrants rapists
  • He mocked a disabled man
  • He mocked a Vietnam POW, John McCain, for getting captured
  • He called a sitting U.S. Senator “Pocahontas”
  • He said “there was blood coming out of her – wherever” about Megyn Kelly
  • He mocked Carly Fiorina for her appearance
  • He mocked Heidi Cruz for her appearance
  • He accused Ted Cruz’s father of killing John F. Kennedy
  • He said he wanted to punch protesters in the face
  • He asked Russia to hack his opponent’s emails
  • He threatened that his supporters would riot if the Republican Convention was contested
  • He threatened to jail his opponent if he won the election
  • He said that a judge had no credibility because he was Mexican

Alas, to everyone’s surprise, he won anyway (with the help of a Russian disinformation campaign).

I believe it is still true that he does not want the job, even after winning the Presidency. Did you see how fucking scared he looked after he won?

Donald Trump will resign

I think that the day after the election, Donald knew that his presidency would not last because of the evidence against him for colluding with the Russians and laundering their money through his campaign. He has continued to act in a self-destructive way that makes no sense, and I believe it’s because he knows it’s just a matter of time before it all comes crashing down. I bet he is trying to make as much money as possible for himself and his family before the release of banking records that show transfers of Russian money, or transcripts of his team making deals with the Russians, or a tape of him getting peed on in the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. My evidence?

  • He resisted using Air Force One, saying his own plane was better​
  • He tried to install his own security staff instead of Secret Service
  • He goes to Mar-A-Lago or Trump Tower almost every weekend
  • He filled his cabinet with Generals (setting up the conditions for a coup)
  • He appointed a friend of Putin to Secretary of State
  • He accused a previous President of the United States of a felony, in writing
  • He gave up on repealing Obamacare after 17 days
  • He continues to watch 6 hours of television per day minimum
  • He continually tells lies
  • He is committing obstruction of justice with Rep. Devin Nunes
  • Reports are emerging (per Claude Taylor and Paul Brandus) that Trump is weighing options that include resigning

In the words of Donald Trump, many people are saying that his gigantic ego will prevent him from resigning. However, it won’t prevent him from lying about a fake heart attack or stroke after cutting a deal with Pence for a presidential pardon. Besides, the idiots who say that Donald Trump will never resign are the same idiots who don’t believe there is overwhelming evidence of collusion with the Russians and laundering their money through his campaign.

Whether that evidence comes out in total is really up to Donald. If he resigns, he might be able to prevent some of it from getting released. And the sooner he resigns, the sooner he will get to see some naked Russian boobies.

The Fringe Has Hijacked the Country from Middle America

You did this to us

Congratulations, you idiots on the alt-left and alt-right. You, the fringe, have hijacked the country from the people in middle America.

To the DudeBros on the left who are thankful that you’ve helped the populace to “wake up” to corruption in the establishment so we are more motivated to vote – uh, thanks – but it will be hard to snooze amid the sound of mass deportations in the streets and neighborhoods of America, all to rid ourselves of Mexican restaurants, roofers, and landscapers. I probably won’t be dozing while we put boots on the ground in Syria, or when Russia invades the Baltics, or when Putin deploys a tactical nuke. I won’t be sleeping through the collapse of the global economy after all the banking regulations are scrapped. Thanks, you really got our attention by pointing out that we don’t have the transcript to the Goldman Sachs speech. You sure showed us!

Gloom and doom, you say? Well, how do you destroy the New World Order and the established power structures without risking instability, uncertainty, and fear? Aren’t those the things that typically cause horrible things to occur? Do you not realize that incremental change could be also called “stabilized change”? That people without governing experience (like Russian plant Jill Stein) probably cannot govern well? That allowing a right-wing demagogue into the Presidency might be a catalyst for the end of our democracy rather than a strategy to mobilize the left?​ That demonizing America for all the “bad things” she has done and comparing our government to those of dictators and despots around the world is the fucking opposite of patriotic?

You have shit on America and have gambled with the lives of your fellow citizens because America isn’t perfect. You ensured our loss in the General Election and if everything goes to hell, you are responsible.

As for those on the far-right: You do not represent the whole of America either. Your policies consistently fly in the face of what the majority of people actually want, except for lowering taxes, stopping gun control, and abolishing the Individual Mandate, all of which can have disastrous consequences when you actually think them through and consult some experts. But who needs experts when you have become purposely ignorant to facts and purposely unsympathetic to the poor, all in the pursuit of Tea Party purity? And yeah, you did win all the local, state, and national offices under Obama, but you achieved it through lies, obstructionism, and dirty tricks.

Therefore, you are despicable scumbags and I will never seek to understand you. I will only seek to make you lose elections and I will mock you until the day I die, because you are not simply stupid. You are purposely stupid.

So thanks, members of the alt-left and alt-right. You stole our country by handing the Executive branch to a would-be dictator who cares nothing about regular people, who might not just spill the apple cart of America but drive it off the edge of a cliff. You helped elect a man who is working on behalf of Vladimir Putin, whose goal is to destabilize the West and inspire autocratic governments across the globe. And you did it out of spite.

Meanwhile, the rest of us in the middle were starting to enjoy the low unemployment, booming stock market and lack of a major ground war.

Thanks.

Don the Con Files with FEC to Become a 2020 Candidate

TrumpFECfilingDon the Con filed a document with the FEC to officially become a candidate for 2020 re-election FIVE HOURS after he was sworn in as president. Do you believe this has serious implications (via @Resisterhood)? I sure fucking do. After all,

1) An incumbant has never filed for candidacy prior to the midterm elections before. Obama filed in 2011 to prepare for the 2012 race.

2) If he is officially a candidate, he can use his candidate status to curry favor with PACs, businesses, and other organizations – different rules apply to his behavior than if he is Trump the president vs. Trump the candidate.

3) More importantly, this changes how non-profits can handle him. 503cs will not be able to “campaign” against him by speaking negatively about him or they will risk losing their nonprofit status. On the flip side, this will allow Trump to raise money from PACs so he can use propaganda against his enemies.

So this jackass carnival barker has verified that his plan for job duties is to travel around the country making America great again at rallies and raising money from Day 1.  I hope you set up some rallies soon, Traitor-in-Chief, because the protesters are ready. #Resist

Let’s All Troll the Trump Troll, Shall We?

Trump troll

Recently I utilized the whitehouseinc.org site to call one of Trump’s properties. I figured, “Let’s all troll the troll.” The guy sounded really sad when he picked up and I asked “May I speak to Donald Trump please?” He responded “He does not live here, this is a residential building branded with his name, I’m just the doorman” and I said “But I can’t call the White House anymore.”

He responded, “Yes I know, many people are calling, I can transfer you to the building manager” and I was like, OK never mind goodbye. It made me feel kind of bad.

I figure that maybe calling buildings simply branded with his name might be going too far. But that ain’t stopping me from calling Mar-A-Lago and his golf courses directly, in fact I think I will call his LA course right now…

UPDATE: I just called the number for Trump’s LA golf resort. Some chick picked up at the restaurant, sounding sad, and I asked for Donald Trump. She hung up.

It made me feel really good.

America Compromised by Russia and Nobody Fucking Cares

putin's little birdy

America has been compromised by Russia and nobody fucking cares.

Go ahead and mock me. Tell me that enough is enough with the crazy conspiracies. Call me a snowflake. Or take that other, more insidious path and mumble “all politicians are corrupt” as I tell you that the world is on fire.

I would like to say this loud and clear to the world here and now. THIS IS NOT ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON, MORONS. America has been compromised by the Russians.

I am ready to stand side by side with Republicans (my fellow Americans) to counter the Russian influence that has occurred in our once sovereign nation. I am ready to celebrate the inevitable presidency of Mike Pence or Paul Ryan, men with whom I disagree but who have not been compromised by a foreign enemy.

So this is not about me wanting to reverse the election results. This is not about being mad that the Republicans won. This is not about “business as usual” politics and now-trivial matters such as the ACA or the TPP. This is not about how the media will cover Trump.

This is about war.

This is about Russia supporting Brexit to destabilize the EU and influencing the U.S. to destabilize NATO and the EU.

This is about Putin grooming his U.S. asset for years, a man who has been corrupted by a hundred million dollars worth of loans from Russian banks and by potentially laundering money for them. A man who probably engaged in salacious activities and was potentially blackmailed because of them.

This is about an audiotape that captures members of a presidential campaign discussing payments from Russia. This is about the NY FBI criminal field office becoming infiltrated by Russian moles.

The goal of Vladimir Putin? Lift sanctions so $500B worth of oil money starts flowing. What happens next? Putin invades the Baltics and we don’t stop him. Trump starts a shooting war with China. Trump and Putin rule the world together.

Next, Europe becomes completely destablized and no longer unified.

Next….?

We can stop this if we work together and luckily, we have heroes like James Comey, Lindsay Graham, and John McCain to lead us (see here for an explanation of why Comey has not presented evidence for Trump/Russia connection yet, why its clear that Snowden/Assange are working on behalf of Russia, and why Comey may end being the American patriot we are so desperately in need of).

If my fellow citizens are ready to unify with me as Americans, then please open your mind to the possibility that we have been compromised by Russians for some time now. Set aside your partisan idealogies so we can work together as we did post 9/11. Admit that we all have been played.

“Where is this evidence?” you ask. Well, read this article sourced by a former member of the NSA; we are in the middle of an active counter-terrorism investigation – Comey can neither confirm nor deny the existence of anything right now. But it will be presented during the upcoming Independent Commission hearings. And it will lead to the impeachment of Donald Trump.

Will you deny its existence then?

Will you call John McCain a snowflake? Will you tell him to “get over it” because “Trump won” as you listen to audio tape of the Trump campaign taking Russian money? Or will you call it fake news?

Go ahead, laugh at me for being crazy. Cover your ears and close your eyes. That’s exactly what Putin wants.​