Dr. Amy Mainzer is a Research Scientist at Nasa’s Jet Propulsion Lab (JPL) who makes regular appearances on the nerd show The Universe. I, along with apparently thousands of other dweebs across The Universe, have a super nerd crush on her.
For the last 10 years, I made my fascination with monkeys quite public. I encouraged people to find figurines of what I termed “scary monkeys” so I could collect them and display them proudly. I dressed up as a monkey in a diaper for Halloween one year. I even traveled to a country known for its monkeys so I could watch one sit on my knee during breakfast.
Well, I declare my Monkey Phase to be officially over. Partly because of the recent incidents involving the faces and genitals of people being ripped off, and partly because I’m an adult man, I think I need to remove all monkey items from my life.
You see, there was a trifecta of horrifying monkey murder stories that came to my attention in the span of just one month. First was the horrifying incident with Travis the Chimpanzee that we’re all familiar with. Then I read this riveting Esquire story from an incident two years ago, the one where the chimp birthday party went wrong, complete with a horrific picture of what the guy looks like today – the guy with no more genitals.
The final straw was reading this story, which describes a monkey deliberately murdering his master with a coconut.
Farewell, you evil monkeys. You are out of my life.
Each day, I drive through a subdivision that is being terrorized by Canada Geese. They have apparently achieved Elite status because Ohio law forbids killing them.
But refraining from executing geese is a far cry from allowing them to dictate rush hour traffic. As I drive to work, I’m amazed at how often the mongoloid humans I share the roads with follow this course of action:
1. Stop your 2-ton vehicle to allow the goose to cross the road with her cute little goslings in tow
2. Wait seven minutes while the goose stops in the middle of the road to look at you, with your slack-jawed moon face in the windshield
3. Slowly inch your car forward to shoo the goose out of the way
Here’s an idea: Immediately go to Step 3, you idiots.