The Sweat Festival – 8/27/07
On a Saturday in August, I was convinced to go to a music festival in Meigs County, Ohio. No problem there–except that the girl I went with wanted to arrive during mid-afternoon in order to “enjoy the day.” Enjoy the day? How can you enjoy the day with a heat index putting the temp at 100 fricking degrees? The only way to enjoy that day is in a tub full of ice.
Ten minutes after arriving I was bathed in sweat. I mean, bathed. A glance at me got you rewarded with a vision of sweat droplets dripping from the tip of a nose and a two-toned look to the clothing. For some reason, no one else really looked warm in any obvious way. I did have a dark blue shirt on–that’s the only explanation I have for my excessive sweating, other than a serious medical problem.
I had rushed out the door not really prepared for camping, and all I had for sweat control were about three napkins in the glove compartment – no toilet paper, no paper towels…beach towels, blankets, quilts – nothing. At one point I considered rolling around in the grass to try to dry off my body. The girl I was trying to impress asked me if “everything was alright.” It was great.
Then I realized that things were so critical that I would have to use my actual camping bedding to wipe the sweat from my torso. My blanket was in the back of my car, but since I was in full view of everyone, I acted like I was getting a beer out of the cooler. While I bent down to “get the beer,” I grabbed my blanket and quickly mopped my face. It looked frantic and strange. It didn’t work.
It was like a faucet in my body had been turned on and there was no turning it off. Here I am, trying my best to look and act cool in front of a girl and instead, no matter what I did, I could not remove the droplet of sweat clinging to the end of my nose. No matter what, I could not stop my shirt from being soaked in its entirety for roughly five hours straight. No matter what, I could not hide that when I squatted to set up the tent, rivers of sweat running down my disgusting thighs soaked through my shorts so when I stood up, all my clothing was completely saturated.
A few minutes after we walked up to the music, we crawled into the shade of a tree along with other random refugees from the heat. It was basically outside of the festival area next to a fire truck and a road, but it was the only shade around. It was the most vivid memory of the day…and it reminded me of this passage from Joseph Conrad’s novel Heart of Darkness:
“My purpose was to stroll into the shade for a moment; but no sooner within than it seemed to me I had stepped into the gloomy circle of some Inferno. The rapids were near, and an uninterrupted, uniform, headlong, rushing noise filled the mournful stillness of the grove, where not a breath stirred, not a leaf moved, with a mysterious sound–as though the tearing pace of the launched earth had suddenly become audible.
“Black shapes crouched, lay, sat between the trees leaning against the trunks, clinging to the earth, half coming out, half effaced within the dim light, in all the attitudes of pain, abandonment, and despair. Another mine on the cliff went off, followed by a slight shudder of the soil under my feet. The work was going on. The work! And this was the place where some of the helpers had withdrawn to die.”
So that was my weekend.
My Nigerian Girlfriend – 1/7/2006
I decided to create a profile in Yahoo Personals. I sent an email to somewhere around 60 of the cutest girls online and naturally, none responded. Except for one. Here is the text of our correspondence.
On 12/23/2005 04:07 am EST, Sharry wrote:
hi tim,
well,i was born and bred in columbus,stimmel rd and i’m the only girl of my parents both deceased.i live alone at the moment and i once had a boyfriend who turned out to be my worst enemy after i discovered he’s been sleeping with the only friend i had.cynthia.they both live in cincinnati and i’m the kinda girl that beleives nothing is new in this world and i had to take it as one of those things and step further.i am an event packager and i’m currently outta town to package an event for the newly elected governor of a state in nigeria.i’m also new to in this online game though a thousand and one people e mail me everyday but i hardly have time to reply cos i beleive i cant answer them all.i travelled outta state to help my self and other things cos i beleive anything woth having is worth working for.i wanna know if you’re so close to your parents cos i love it if yes.i hope you are for real cos there are too many people who places fake ads to steal peoples emotion though everything i heard about you is pleasing.i’llbe looking forward to hear from you as soon as you can.Till then xxxxx’s.
sharry
forgot to tell you,you’re handsome.
On 12/23/2005 04:46 pm EST, you wrote:
It’s funny that you mentioned in your letter that you hope I’m “for real” and not an internet scam, because I am worried about the same thing with you. It didn’t help that you said I was handsome. Forgive me if I ask you a test question–what types of music do you like? If I hear back from you and you don’t mention anything about music, I’ll be sad that another cute girl on the internet it just a scam…I hope I’m wrong. Take it easy Sharry
On 12/24/2005 04:37 am EST, Sharry wrote:
baby for your peruse i think i’ll answer your test question and look forward to hearing more from you if you still dont trust or beleive i’m for real.
i like country music and listen to rap as well.my favourite fm station is 107.5
i look forward to hearing from you again
On 12/27/2005 04:29 pm EST, you wrote:
Wow, you like country AND rap? You definitely have a diverse taste in music–that’s awesome. I listen to a lot of rap–Dr. Dre, Snoop, Ice Cube, Mack-10…I also listen to a lot of Grateful Dead and only a little bit of country–and I don’t think you’ve heard of the country I listen to…in fact, if you are a true country fan, you may not even call it country. It’s a guy named Ryan Adams. He used to play with Whiskeytown.
On 12/28/2005 04:37 am EST, Sharry wrote:
hi tim,i’m really really glad to hear back from you again and i’m quite sure you dont have any reason to doubt my personalty anymore.
as for rap music tim,i think we like the same artist because snoop and dr dre are my favourite artist when it comes to rap and who says i dont know ryan adams? infact when we get to meet i’ll show you some things i recorded my self imitated from ryan.
well,i should be sincere with you cos i dont think there’s any reason to lie cos seem like you’re really interested in getting to know and meet with me.
Nigeria as you and i know is fondly known of scaming and pirates and infact to add more to it they are dubious..baby i guess i told you about my family background and all that transpired btw my self,my ex and my best friend..do you know what it is to love someone dearly and later get to know the same person you love is going out with you best friend? baby it really killed me i lost many things in my life and for a long time i wasnt anything and as you can see in the history of my self,i said anything worth having is worth working for so i decided to be up an doing but in my search for job,i met this guy and offered me to package an event and told me i’ll be gaining a lot from it and start with my life again..baby i was too happy until i discovered my self in nigeria and couldnt help it and that was the major reason i joined personals to meet frand get to mix and hopefully when i get to states i’ll have new friends but baby the thing isnt working for me in here cos the event manager that brought me in here just begged me yesternet for sex and i refused and in the course of our drag i pushed him to hit his back on a sharp object so he’s been mad at me and i think my chance of continuing the job is slim cos i wont allow sex in the name of i dont know what to do and he wont allow me continue the job…BABY WHAT DO I DO? i’m and infact i’m tired of the job…i liked everything i read about you and how many people have you told about me if i may ask.i do hope we can make a good fit if we play our games well..pls tell me more and advise me on what to be done..i need your help baby
On 12/28/2005 08:09 am EST, you wrote:
Riiiight. Send me some naked pictures of yourself and I will send you some cash to fly home, thanks. But for the price of a plane ticket, those had better be some good f–ing pictures.
On 12/29/2005 07:09 am EST, Sharry wrote:
how would you expect me to get naked and send them pics to you all in the name of i need you to help me?are you taking advantage of me when we have not even sat down together on a dinner date? sorry i cant do that and if you wanna help me then help me and we will meet when i get to states and we will talk about us.i await your urgent response though
On 12/29/2005 08:06 am EST, you wrote:
How am I supposed to help you? I’m in prison for rape and murder
On 12/30/2005 11:06 am EST, Sharry wrote:
i never knew you’re such a useless human being…rot in jail for all i care…bloody rapist
On 12/30/2005 05:36 pm EST, you wrote:
Aww, I was just kidding, Sharry. I’m not in jail for rape. Just murder. The murder of an event packager who was trapped in Rwanda.
So, are we still going to have that dinner date? When do you get back to the states? By the way, do you like to eat Mexican food?
On 12/31/2005 05:17 am EST, Sharry wrote:
i need money to get me to states dont you get it?
On 12/31/2005 08:15 pm EST, you wrote:
If you promise to go out to dinner with me and maybe see a movie too, I will send you the money to get home.
On 01/01/2006 06:04 am EST, Sharry wrote:
how many times will i repeat my self about me wanting to meet and go out to dinner and watch movie or maybe do some other things with you when i get to states? but the irony of it all is that i need to get there first and formost….
here is the information as to how you’ll send the money…
send it via western union money transfer through the information of the travel agent which is listed below
name…adeoye kelvin
adress…50 falolu street surulere
state…lagos
country….nigeria
zipcode…23401
after payment is made,you’ll send the 10 digits reference number plus test question and answer including your full names and adress so he can cash the money…please a flight is scheduled for tuesday and hope you’ll help pay ontime so i could be in states…..
On 01/02/2006 02:39 pm EST, you wrote:
How much money do you need?
On 01/03/2006 04:35 am EST, Sharry wrote:
tim,i’ll be needing $800 and hope you’ll send it as soon as you get this message and hopefully i’ll catch up with the next available flight scheduled for friday…
payment information..
name…adeoye kelvin
adress…50 falolu street surulere
state…lagos
country….nigeria
zipcode…23401
after payment is made,you’ll send the 10 digits reference number plus test question and answer including your full names and adress so he can cash the money…please a flight is scheduled for friday and hope you’ll help pay ontime so i could be in states
On 01/03/2006 03:33 pm EST, you wrote:
I can definitely get you the money. But I don’t get paid until Friday and I have to deposit the check after work. And then I have to dogsit for my friend’s dog, Sluppy, that evening. So I can wire you the money on Saturday for sure. Unless Sluppy gets spooked by a black person while I’m walking him and I have to take him to obedience training. He acts weird around black people and barks at them. It is embarassing. Do you act weird around black people? Probably not since you are in Nigeria. What is it like there? Do they have dogs?
On 01/04/2006 04:56 am EST, Sharry wrote:
hi tim,really glad to hear back from you…so what you’re saying in earnest is that i should hold on till saturday morning and you’ll send the money right? ok i’ll wait and will be looking forward to hearing from you.my days are not good and you shouldn’t expect me to be weird at black people when i’m all surrounded by blacks and yes they have different kinda dogs.hope you’re doing real good and if i may ask,which spot are you taking me for dinner when i get to states?what are the things you’ve done lately plus how did you spend your new year? i await your response..
On 01/05/2006 08:01 am EST, you wrote:
Are you Muslim?
On 01/06/2006 03:47 am EST, Sharry wrote:
i am a true christian….tim why did it take you a while to respond to the previous message i sent you and you still havent answered some of the questions in there… i await your response anyway and hope you’re doing great over there?
On 01/06/2006 08:31 am EST, you wrote:
I will answer your question about where I am taking you to dinner. I’m going to take you to a wonderful dinner with lobster, delicious wine, and chocolate mousse for dessert. While we are dining, I will whisper into your ear that your mother is a goat. Then I will strip you naked, bind you with ropes, place a piece of shrimp between your buttocks, cover you with melted butter, and allow my pet donkey to lick you clean. I will inject a large quantity of tartar sauce into your nasal cavity, and as you sputter, choke, and cough for your very life, I will jam the bottle of wine into your gaping mouth. As you stare at me, naked, covered in butter and donkey saliva with a shrimp stuffed in your anus and a bottle of wine protruding from your worthless, incestuous lips, I will ask you to repeat to me the details of the Western Union transaction. As you groan your last dying breath, something about 50 falolu street surulere, Lagos, Nigeria, I will take a tiny fork used to dine upon lobster meat, and jam it into your genital region. You will scream, the bottle of wine will fall to the floor, and I will take a live lobster from the tank in the restaurant, remove the tape from its claws, and allow it to clamp onto your quivering, boy-sodomizing tongue. And then we will share a romantic kiss.
On 01/07/2006 10:15 am EST, Sharry wrote:
tim thats really insultive…i dont deserve it and u know it…why would you also insult my mum?huh?
On 01/07/2006 12:04 pm EST, you wrote:
That’s simple. Because your mother is a gigantic whore.
