Listen – I cannot stand barking dogs.
Whenever a neighbor of mine has owned a barking dog, I’ve plotted. And I’ve plotted evil things.
For example, a few years ago I was good friends with my landlord, and I begged him to let me borrow his big old key ring with tenant keys on it so I could enter my neighbor’s apartment and abduct their pet Chihuahua. My plan was to throw a blanket over it, snatch it, and drive it to the countryside to set it free. Instead, I moved away.
Now that I own a house, moving isn’t that easy and I also don’t have a key to my neighbor’s homes. So here is my new plot to eradicate the barking dog next door:
Convince my neighbors that their house is haunted so they move away. I think it will be easy – the last two owners of the house “mysteriously” only lived there for a couple years each. That’s public record. All it would take are a few encounters with my unfriendly neighbor in our backyards – ones that go a little like this:
Me: Hey, how’s it going. Great dog you got there.
Neighbor: Thanks.
Me: You ever noticed anything strange going on in that house?
Neighbor: Huh?
Me: Nothin’. Nevermind.
If I keep it up, plus maybe cut a few electric wires or something, maybe it will work. If not, I might need to casually mention that someone died in the house while I’m mowing or something. I will shout the news over the sound of the lawnmower engine. And if that does not work, I will reenact The Amityville Horror by floating two red lights outside their bedroom window at night and making pig noises. Wish me luck.
4/01/08
