R.I.P. Satchmo - October 2006
My friend and I both lost our dogs in the past 6 months. I dealt with my grief by obsessing about my next dog and then quickly getting one. He posted a blog in tribute to his lost friend. The tribute inspired the both of us to hatch a plan to pull a cruel and inhumane prank on the hippies who frequent the ekoostik hookah email list. What if someone posted a message asking for support and got the most evil response possible? We decided to find out.
So, I created a fake persona named Curtis Sloan and subscribed him to the email list. Curtis, we decided, is a young hippie who has just lost his beloved cat Satchmo.
The other player in this saga was, of course, Jojo Krinklefrye. Jojo is a fake persona I created about five years ago. Jojo is known as being two things to the readers of the email list: hilarious to some and a total dick to all.
This was Curtis’s post:
From: Curtis Sloan
To: “Schwa H Mailing List”
Subject: [eh] R.I.P. Satchmo
Date: Fri, 15 Dec 2006 05:29:31 -0800 (PST)
My beautiful cat Satchmo died yesterday and I could really use some positive vibes from you all. He meant everything to me and was with me through many journys. Many of you were lucky enough to know him and saw how many smiles he could bring. He loved music and especially Hookah. He would start purring whenever Alexander came through my stereo. I’m feeling really low right now and could use some kynd thoughts from all of you.
peace.
Curtis
From: “Jojo Krinklefrye”
To: “Schwa H Mailing List”
Subject: [eh] Re: R.I.P. Satchmo (NHC)
Date: Fri, 15 Dec 2006 08:30:52 -0500
You’re fucking pathetic
The email list was silent. People knew that Jojo could be a jerk—but this apparently inspired shock and awe from the readers. My friend and I were disappointed. Where was the outrage? We realized that the outrage was so great that nobody dignified Jojo’s post with a response. So Curtis came back with another statement. In Curtis’s eulogy for his dead cat, I borrowed text of Margaret Thatcher’s eulogy for Ronald Reagan and substituted the word Satchmo for Ronald Reagan:
From: Curtis Sloan
To: “Schwa H Mailing List”
Subject: [eh] Re: R.I.P. Satchmo (NHC)
Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2006 06:44:24 -0800 (PST)
I would like to thank all you kynd people out there for the support and sympathy. Today I had an official ceremony for my departed Satchmo. I put him in a shoebox (I used a shoebox of my Dad’s cuz he has extra large shoes) and buried him in my yard-well, my apartment yard. To heck with the landlord.
While I laid him to rest, I thought about how maybe I should listen to “Pass the Cider, Pass the Rum” because it is about losing a friend. But then I burst into tears.
For the final days of his life, Satchmo’s mind was clouded by illness. That cloud has now lifted. He is himself again — more himself than at any time on this earth. For we may be sure that the Big Fella Upstairs never forgets those who remember Him. And as the last journey of this faithful pilgrim took him beyond the sunset, and as heaven’s morning broke, I like to think — in the words of Bunyan — that `all the trumpets sounded on the other side’.
We here still move in twilight. But we have one beacon to guide us that Satchmo never had. We have his example. Let us give thanks today for a life that achieved so much for all of God’s children.
I can’t understand why this Jojo person had to say something so cruel to me. Why?
Are you there God? It’s me, Curtis.
Naturally, nobody responded. There were a handful of girls and girlish men that wrote Curtis personally to express their sympathy, but that was it. So the social experiment had failed. Or had it?
I Sent Gay Porn To China – February 2007
My friend Jason sells stuffed animals and gets them from a factory in China. He is either too lazy or too dumb to learn how to use a digital camera to email pictures, so he asked me to take a picture of a stuffed lamb so he could email it to China. (The factory didn’t recognize the product code so he needed them to see the item.)
I sent him the picture, with a bonus picture attached (which I’ve censored so that this blog is family-friendly). Well, Jason is either too lazy or too dumb to fix his computer, because apparently he can’t see picture thumbnails displayed in a yahoo email–all he sees are gray boxes. So, instead of downloading the pictures and reviewing them, he sent them to China sight unseen. Hilarity ensued. Below is the string of emails sent from me to Jason to China.
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 04:46:55 -0700 (PDT)
From: “xxxx@ameritech.net
SSubject: Item
To: “Jason” xxxx@yahoo.com
Here you go, Jason. See you tonight.
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 07:19:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Jason” xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: picture lamb
To: “Wang XXXXX” xxxx@mail.hf.ah.cn
Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 08:04:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: “Jason xxxx” xxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: ****please read right away!!!!!!!
To: “Wang XXXXX” xxxx@mail.hf.ah.cn
Wang,
I am not able to take the pictures and download. I asked a friend to do it. He makes fun of me for not learning. I told him to do it for me and I will forward the e-mail to china. Since forwarding you the e-mail I see he played a joke on me. I am sorry for the ugly picture in the e-mail!!!!
I am going to kill my friend.
