Donald Trump Will Resign So He Can Have Some Sex

Donald Trump has probably not had sex in at least 72 days. After all, he’s constantly flanked by Secret Service and will get busted if he smuggles a 19 year-old Russian model into Mar-A-Lago. At his age, he may not be into actual sex anymore, but I’m sure it kills him that he can no longer defile and humiliate young girls like he used to. Because of this, and a mountain of other clues suggesting that Donnie never wanted the job of President, I think he will resign.

While observing the outrageous things he has said and done, I have been saying for at least a year that either A) Donald Trump was purposely trying to lose the election or B) He suffers from Frontotemporal Dementia (is crazy). Here are a few reasons why I think he wanted to destroy his chances (and thereby take himself off the hook to serve Vladimir Putin’s interests) to win the election:

  • He retweeted and liked tweets by white supremacists and KKK members
  • He called Mexican immigrants rapists
  • He mocked a disabled man
  • He mocked a Vietnam POW, John McCain, for getting captured
  • He called a sitting U.S. Senator “Pocahontas”
  • He said “there was blood coming out of her – wherever” about Megyn Kelly
  • He mocked Carly Fiorina for her appearance
  • He mocked Heidi Cruz for her appearance
  • He accused Ted Cruz’s father of killing John F. Kennedy
  • He said he wanted to punch protesters in the face
  • He asked Russia to hack his opponent’s emails
  • He threatened that his supporters would riot if the Republican Convention was contested
  • He threatened to jail his opponent if he won the election
  • He said that a judge had no credibility because he was Mexican

Alas, to everyone’s surprise, he won anyway (with the help of a Russian disinformation campaign).

I believe it is still true that he does not want the job, even after winning the Presidency. Did you see how fucking scared he looked after he won?

Donald Trump will resign

I think that the day after the election, Donald knew that his presidency would not last because of the evidence against him for colluding with the Russians and laundering their money through his campaign. He has continued to act in a self-destructive way that makes no sense, and I believe it’s because he knows it’s just a matter of time before it all comes crashing down. I bet he is trying to make as much money as possible for himself and his family before the release of banking records that show transfers of Russian money, or transcripts of his team making deals with the Russians, or a tape of him getting peed on in the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. My evidence?

  • He resisted using Air Force One, saying his own plane was better​
  • He tried to install his own security staff instead of Secret Service
  • He goes to Mar-A-Lago or Trump Tower almost every weekend
  • He filled his cabinet with Generals (setting up the conditions for a coup)
  • He appointed a friend of Putin to Secretary of State
  • He accused a previous President of the United States of a felony, in writing
  • He gave up on repealing Obamacare after 17 days
  • He continues to watch 6 hours of television per day minimum
  • He continually tells lies
  • He is committing obstruction of justice with Rep. Devin Nunes
  • Reports are emerging (per Claude Taylor and Paul Brandus) that Trump is weighing options that include resigning

In the words of Donald Trump, many people are saying that his gigantic ego will prevent him from resigning. However, it won’t prevent him from lying about a fake heart attack or stroke after cutting a deal with Pence for a presidential pardon. Besides, the idiots who say that Donald Trump will never resign are the same idiots who don’t believe there is overwhelming evidence of collusion with the Russians and laundering their money through his campaign.

Whether that evidence comes out in total is really up to Donald. If he resigns, he might be able to prevent some of it from getting released. And the sooner he resigns, the sooner he will get to see some naked Russian boobies.