My Latest Evil Prank

So I received a text message the other night from someone I didn’t know.  Because I am an evil man, I texted her back.  The text chat took place over the course of about four hours.  Early into this process I realized that she could be a minor and that I could be arrested, so I tried to find out whether she was a high school student through some weird statements you’ll read below.

Ashley: Hello matt its ashley

Me: Hi Ashley

Ashley: Hello

Me: How are you?? What are you doing?

Ashley: Just getting off work

Me: What are you wearing

Ashley: My jammies why

Ashley: Helloooo

Me: Sorry my ringer was turned down

Ashley: Its ok what r u doing

Me: I’m watching tv…

Me: How was work

Ashley: Busy why did u ask me what i was wearing

Me: Why is that bad?

Ashley: Its not

Me: 🙂

Me: I’m thinking about you

Ashley: Really

Me: When am I going to get to see you?

Ashley: When we set up a date

Me: I like it, I like it.  But I’m afraid that you will be turned off by some of the things from my past

Ashley: No I wont tell me about it

Me: Well, I had a really hard time growing up in my family so sometimes I’ve had trouble opening up and being vulnerable with people I’m in a relationship with…I put a wall up and I’m working on it

Me: Helloooo

Ashley: Yess ur last word was i i thought u were still typing sorry

Me: Really? I wonder why my text got cut off…

Me: Too long I guess

Me: There is one more thing you need to know about me

Ashley: Ohh

Ashley: What??? Honey

Me: Well, two things.

Me: One thing I need to tell u is that I was born with a tail.

Me: And the other thing I need to tell you is that this isn’t Matt. You have the wrong number. Haha

Ashley: Who is this

Me: I am the man who was born with a tail

Ashley: Ur matt right

Ashley: Helloooo

Me: So you are OK with me being born with a tail, baby?

Ashley: I think it would be cute cn i see a pic

Me: Haha I had it removed.

Me: Do you think it is fair the way people treat each other in high school?

Ashley: No why

Me: Was it easy for you?

Ashley: How am i supposed to belive u

Ashley: No

Me: People made fun of me

Ashley: Well i have a little secret myself i have three nipples is that ok

Me: That’s totally hot

Ashley: What did they say

Ashley: Do u think its weird

Me: No baby

Ashley: U must be a wild animal lol

Ashley: What did they say too u

Me: They used to call me Lawrence Tail-or

Ashley: Ohhh ur joking

Me: No, they also yelled that my tail was probably longer than my dong

Me: Oh Ashley

Me: Won’t you touch my tail or maybe my dong?

Me: Listen, we have to end this bit–I’m tired and have to get to bed.  Write back something where you are really mad at me for messing with you and we can wrap this up, OK?

Me: I love you Ashley

Ashley: Wiggle wiggle night night

Me: 🙂

Ashley: Luv u to

Me: By the way, I murdered my younger brother when I was twelve

Ashley: Yes if u joking thats not funny so I dont belive u have a tale and ur crazy im done talking to u bye

Me: Nooooooooo

Ashley: Yesssssssssss

Me: Oh Ashley

Ashley: What matt

Me: I’M NOT MATT YOU IDIOT

Me: Wiggle wiggle night night?  I mean, I couldn’t write comedy better than that, you three-nippled gullible little dumb-dumb

Ashley: Who r u then

Ashley: U dumb enough to belive i had three nipples u ass

Me:  Haha, touche Ashley, touche

Ashley: Ur a dick dont text me back

Ashley: Ur stupid

The Amplifier Prank

My friend is storing his amplifier at my house.  He recently emailed me, asking me to take photos of it for him so he could sell it on Craigslist without driving over to my house to do it himself.  Hilarity ensued when he forwarded them without opening all of them up.

From: XXXXX <XXXX5@gmail.com>
Subject: por favor
To: “‘XXXXX'” <XXXX@att.net>
Date: Friday, January 15, 2010, 10:30 AM

Hey, if you find yourself bored and depressed, would you mind taking some thorough pictures of my amplifier and sending them to me?  I have someone on Craigslist interested in buying it.  See if there’s any blemishes or scuff marks on it, and highlight those.  I think there might be a small dent in the grill over the speakers.

The alternative is me coming over and taking the pictures, which works for me too.  If you don’t feel like doing it, don’t do it.

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