How I Secretly Taped the Office Hyena

About 15 years ago, I was miserably working in an office cubicle for a pretty large family business. Out of pity, they employed a hard-drinking, loud-laughing lady who sat at the front desk to greet people and answer phones. She had this gravelly laugh that bounced off the ceilings, walls, and my ears all day long, day after day.

Growing up, I always wanted to go on an African safari. Luckily for me, even though I worked in a cubicle world, I would get a small taste of that adventurous lifestyle for eight hours every day, five days a week.

I got to experience the haunting sounds of a hyena all day, but for free! Office Hyena reacts to any situation — stressful, humorous, mundane — with a wild cackle. It is the sound I think you hear when you go completely insane. It is the sound of death approaching.

What made it worse is that this lady would say insulting or offensive things to people but would get a pass for them because others thought she was generally not that smart. But I knew that she knew exactly what she was doing, passively sniping me from behind the protection of her hyena desk. It was just so maddening that whenever you spoke to her, no matter the topic, she just began to laugh like a hyena in response.

“Peggy, the toner in the printer seems to be gone, can you remind me where-”

“HUHAHHHAHAHUHAUHAHAHAHAH Oh so you can’t find the toner huh? HUHAHAHAHAHAHA”

So, at the very sure risk of being immediately fired, I placed my video camera in a FedEx box and put it near the hyena’s desk to film a documentary on this creature. I let it record for about two hours, saying to her “Don’t touch this package please — someone is coming for it.”

Here is the result, which I converted to audio and edited down to the pure Office Hyena. So close your eyes, picture the African savannah, or maybe an office building, and enjoy.

Republicans Are Dumb

I spend a lot of time wondering why Republicans are so dumb. I am fascinated by how their minds “work.” I’m not talking about the Republicans from the 80’s and 90’s, those old-school normal people like my father – I’m talking about the modern-day MAGA mouth breathers who seem to have dominated the party ever since…oh…the black dude was elected President.

Republicans are dumb

Why did these idiots complain about the stimulus package in 2009 when the economy collapsed, then complain about the slow recovery, then claim that Donald Drumpf was responsible for the eventual recovery merely two months into his term? Why did they say that 5% unemployment didn’t accurately reflect reality under Obama but take credit for it under Dolt45? Why did they bring our legislative branch to a halt only to complain about how government sucks? Why did they think that IRS agents would come to their door to demand Obamacare tax penalties? Why did they think that Obama and Hillary were coming for their guns?

Because Republicans are dumb.

Why did they think that Mexico would pay for a border wall to keep out Mexicans? Why do they yell at Indian Sikhs for being terrorists? Why do they side with traitors past and present, crying like snowflakes to defend Confederate monuments while demanding that football players stand for the flag? Why did they think it was funny to make a reality show star the leader of the free world just to “shake things up?” Why do they watch Fox News, which is under FBI investigation for spreading Russian propaganda?

Because Republicans are dumb.

Why do they use “whataboutism” counter-arguments for just about fucking everything in the public discourse, a known Soviet propaganda technique? Why did their political party accept money from Russian oligarchs? Why do they think that, just because Democrats are saying the same words that came out of their mouths like “this president is an embarrassment” and “he is trampling on the Constitution” that it makes this current total shit show just “politics as usual”? Why do Republicans defend a President who obstructed justice on national television and whose son admitted to conspiring with the Russians to win the 2016 election?

Because Republicans are dumb.

These idiots came out of the woodwork to bray like lobotomized donkeys when Donald Trump was elected. Thanks to them, we have Nazis killing innocent people in the streets of America. We are on the brink of nuclear war in Asia via Twitter. We are the embarrassment of the world.

Thanks, you dumb Republican motherfuckers.

My Latest Evil Prank

So I received a text message the other night from someone I didn’t know.  Because I am an evil man, I texted her back.  The text chat took place over the course of about four hours.  Early into this process I realized that she could be a minor and that I could be arrested, so I tried to find out whether she was a high school student through some weird statements you’ll read below.

Ashley: Hello matt its ashley

Me: Hi Ashley

Ashley: Hello

Me: How are you?? What are you doing?

Ashley: Just getting off work

Me: What are you wearing

Ashley: My jammies why

Ashley: Helloooo

Me: Sorry my ringer was turned down

Ashley: Its ok what r u doing

Me: I’m watching tv…

Me: How was work

Ashley: Busy why did u ask me what i was wearing

Me: Why is that bad?

Ashley: Its not

Me: 🙂

Me: I’m thinking about you

Ashley: Really

Me: When am I going to get to see you?

Ashley: When we set up a date

Me: I like it, I like it.  But I’m afraid that you will be turned off by some of the things from my past

Ashley: No I wont tell me about it

Me: Well, I had a really hard time growing up in my family so sometimes I’ve had trouble opening up and being vulnerable with people I’m in a relationship with…I put a wall up and I’m working on it

Me: Helloooo

Ashley: Yess ur last word was i i thought u were still typing sorry

Me: Really? I wonder why my text got cut off…

Me: Too long I guess

Me: There is one more thing you need to know about me

Ashley: Ohh

Ashley: What??? Honey

Me: Well, two things.

Me: One thing I need to tell u is that I was born with a tail.

Me: And the other thing I need to tell you is that this isn’t Matt. You have the wrong number. Haha

Ashley: Who is this

Me: I am the man who was born with a tail

Ashley: Ur matt right

Ashley: Helloooo

Me: So you are OK with me being born with a tail, baby?

Ashley: I think it would be cute cn i see a pic

Me: Haha I had it removed.

Me: Do you think it is fair the way people treat each other in high school?

Ashley: No why

Me: Was it easy for you?

Ashley: How am i supposed to belive u

Ashley: No

Me: People made fun of me

Ashley: Well i have a little secret myself i have three nipples is that ok

Me: That’s totally hot

Ashley: What did they say

Ashley: Do u think its weird

Me: No baby

Ashley: U must be a wild animal lol

Ashley: What did they say too u

Me: They used to call me Lawrence Tail-or

Ashley: Ohhh ur joking

Me: No, they also yelled that my tail was probably longer than my dong

Me: Oh Ashley

Me: Won’t you touch my tail or maybe my dong?

Me: Listen, we have to end this bit–I’m tired and have to get to bed.  Write back something where you are really mad at me for messing with you and we can wrap this up, OK?

Me: I love you Ashley

Ashley: Wiggle wiggle night night

Me: 🙂

Ashley: Luv u to

Me: By the way, I murdered my younger brother when I was twelve

Ashley: Yes if u joking thats not funny so I dont belive u have a tale and ur crazy im done talking to u bye

Me: Nooooooooo

Ashley: Yesssssssssss

Me: Oh Ashley

Ashley: What matt

Me: I’M NOT MATT YOU IDIOT

Me: Wiggle wiggle night night?  I mean, I couldn’t write comedy better than that, you three-nippled gullible little dumb-dumb

Ashley: Who r u then

Ashley: U dumb enough to belive i had three nipples u ass

Me:  Haha, touche Ashley, touche

Ashley: Ur a dick dont text me back

Ashley: Ur stupid

Furthur, Hiccups, and Pennsylvanians

THANK YOU FURTHUR for a real good time! The Althea, along with “Estimated > Eyes > Rider, Golden Slumbers > Carry That Weight were all great and I had a really, really fun time at the Petersen Events Center on 03/30/2011. LOVED IT!

I got the hiccups during the first set, however, and I knew that my entire show could be in jeopardy, since once my diaphragm gets a twitchin’, I can end up looking like a ginger version of Foster Brooks doing his drunken airline pilot bit.

I came up with an incredible idea, however. I asked my girlfriend to punch me in the stomach when I least expected it. It didn’t work at first, but let me tell you, it worked eventually. She kept ramping up the level of surprise as well as force, and sure enough, a punch to the gut is a great way to solve the hiccup problem if you don’t want to drink your beer upside down while standing in coliseum seating.

Speaking of venues, I’d like to thank the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania for your hospitality once again. Thank you, unfriendly waitress in the Oakland Holiday Inn restaurant…thank you, drunken idiots on our shuttle…thank you, guy who demanded “pharmies” from me and sex from my girlfriend in the hallway of the hotel, and finally, thank you, totally unhelpful jackwagon jerkoff ladies at the hotel front desk and in Housekeeping.

There were 2 Pennsylvanians who were friendly to us during our visit, so I have to acknowledge them. Thank you, lady pouring beer on the mezzanine who made jokes and smiled. And thank you, toothless old guy pouring beer at the hot dog stand. But as for the rest of you, once again it seems like I am pissing you off by being alive. SORRY Pennsylvania. JEESH.

So, the tradition continues – I once again vow to never see a concert in Pennsylvania ever again. We’ll see how long the vow holds up this time. 😛