I was mowing Tuesday and I decided to scrape out the underside of my mower to remove the old rotted clumps of grass. I never expected that my stupid dog would want to eat it, so I left it piled on the driveway while I mowed the back yard. Well, he ate a lot of it.
I got home from my brother’s later that night and my dog refused to stand. When he did, he crumpled to the floor. I forgot about the grass and got worried that he tore a ligament or something earlier in the day. He refused to stand up…I stayed up late and was awake at 1AM when I noticed he had gotten up and walked over towards the front door.
What came out of his mouth looked like a combination of a football and a jellyfish. Lots of vomiting followed, and today he is finally keeping down water. Naturally there is nothing wrong with his leg. This damn dog will eat anything.
My friend is storing his amplifier at my house. He recently emailed me, asking me to take photos of it for him so he could sell it on Craigslist without driving over to my house to do it himself. Hilarity ensued when he forwarded them without opening all of them up.
From: XXXXX <XXXX5@gmail.com>
Subject: por favor
To: “‘XXXXX'” <XXXX@att.net>
Date: Friday, January 15, 2010, 10:30 AM
Hey, if you find yourself bored and depressed, would you mind taking some thorough pictures of my amplifier and sending them to me? I have someone on Craigslist interested in buying it. See if there’s any blemishes or scuff marks on it, and highlight those. I think there might be a small dent in the grill over the speakers.
The alternative is me coming over and taking the pictures, which works for me too. If you don’t feel like doing it, don’t do it.
I just don’t understand why people are so stupid.
Each day, I drive through a subdivision that is being terrorized by Canada Geese. They have apparently achieved Elite status because Ohio law forbids killing them.
But refraining from executing geese is a far cry from allowing them to dictate rush hour traffic. As I drive to work, I’m amazed at how often the mongoloid humans I share the roads with follow this course of action:
1. Stop your 2-ton vehicle to allow the goose to cross the road with her cute little goslings in tow
2. Wait seven minutes while the goose stops in the middle of the road to look at you, with your slack-jawed moon face in the windshield
3. Slowly inch your car forward to shoo the goose out of the way
Here’s an idea: Immediately go to Step 3, you idiots.