My friend is storing his amplifier at my house. He recently emailed me, asking me to take photos of it for him so he could sell it on Craigslist without driving over to my house to do it himself. Hilarity ensued when he forwarded them without opening all of them up.
From: XXXXX <XXXX5@gmail.com>
Subject: por favor
To: “‘XXXXX'” <XXXX@att.net>
Date: Friday, January 15, 2010, 10:30 AM
Hey, if you find yourself bored and depressed, would you mind taking some thorough pictures of my amplifier and sending them to me? I have someone on Craigslist interested in buying it. See if there’s any blemishes or scuff marks on it, and highlight those. I think there might be a small dent in the grill over the speakers.
The alternative is me coming over and taking the pictures, which works for me too. If you don’t feel like doing it, don’t do it.
Yesterday, my name was featured on a Sports Illustrated website and I became internationally famous in a heartbeat. Let me say, it has been a whirlwind. Today, the website I discovered featuring Dr. Dick Chopp is being discussed again on Hot Clicks, and this time it’s because two other doctors at that urology clinic also have funny names – Dr. Stephen Hardeman and Dr. Lester Wang. And apparently it’s all real. Little did I know that I would break into show business with penis jokes.
I have made it into a Sports Illustrated online blog called “Hot Clicks”, which is a section of SI’s website “Extra Mustard”. Apparently, this Mustard site is the place where “pop culture meets sports culture.”
My brother suggested that I visit Hot Clicks daily, since the weird links and videos posted there are often funny, and complemented by some sports crap that he thinks I should be interested in since I’m a human male who needs to be into Ohio State Buckeye football or something.
I confess that I have been visiting the site and I enjoy it. I have been learning about things like touchdowns and such, along with seeing pics of hot girls and videos of idiots from around the world.
So anyway, a buddy of mine found a website featuring a urologist with a very funny name the other day. So he sends it to me, and I send it to my brother, who suggests I submit the link to Hot Clicks. The rest has become history.
Scroll down to see my name in bright lights under the heading “Real Or Fake Link Of The Day”.
Nerd Mentioned In Sports Illustrated
Next I am going to try to get my name into Modern Bride magazine. Wish me luck!
For the last 10 years, I made my fascination with monkeys quite public. I encouraged people to find figurines of what I termed “scary monkeys” so I could collect them and display them proudly. I dressed up as a monkey in a diaper for Halloween one year. I even traveled to a country known for its monkeys so I could watch one sit on my knee during breakfast.
Well, I declare my Monkey Phase to be officially over. Partly because of the recent incidents involving the faces and genitals of people being ripped off, and partly because I’m an adult man, I think I need to remove all monkey items from my life.
You see, there was a trifecta of horrifying monkey murder stories that came to my attention in the span of just one month. First was the horrifying incident with Travis the Chimpanzee that we’re all familiar with. Then I read this riveting Esquire story from an incident two years ago, the one where the chimp birthday party went wrong, complete with a horrific picture of what the guy looks like today – the guy with no more genitals.
The final straw was reading this story, which describes a monkey deliberately murdering his master with a coconut.
Farewell, you evil monkeys. You are out of my life.
I just don’t understand why people are so stupid.
Each day, I drive through a subdivision that is being terrorized by Canada Geese. They have apparently achieved Elite status because Ohio law forbids killing them.
But refraining from executing geese is a far cry from allowing them to dictate rush hour traffic. As I drive to work, I’m amazed at how often the mongoloid humans I share the roads with follow this course of action:
1. Stop your 2-ton vehicle to allow the goose to cross the road with her cute little goslings in tow
2. Wait seven minutes while the goose stops in the middle of the road to look at you, with your slack-jawed moon face in the windshield
3. Slowly inch your car forward to shoo the goose out of the way
Here’s an idea: Immediately go to Step 3, you idiots.