So I received a text message the other night from someone I didn’t know. Because I am an evil man, I texted her back. The text chat took place over the course of about four hours. Early into this process I realized that she could be a minor and that I could be arrested, so I tried to find out whether she was a high school student through some weird statements you’ll read below.
Ashley: Hello matt its ashley
Me: Hi Ashley
Me: How are you?? What are you doing?
Ashley: Just getting off work
Me: What are you wearing
Ashley: My jammies why
Me: Sorry my ringer was turned down
Ashley: Its ok what r u doing
Me: I’m watching tv…
Me: How was work
Ashley: Busy why did u ask me what i was wearing
Me: Why is that bad?
Ashley: Its not
Me: I’m thinking about you
Me: When am I going to get to see you?
Ashley: When we set up a date
Me: I like it, I like it. But I’m afraid that you will be turned off by some of the things from my past
Ashley: No I wont tell me about it
Me: Well, I had a really hard time growing up in my family so sometimes I’ve had trouble opening up and being vulnerable with people I’m in a relationship with…I put a wall up and I’m working on it
Ashley: Yess ur last word was i i thought u were still typing sorry
Me: Really? I wonder why my text got cut off…
Me: Too long I guess
Me: There is one more thing you need to know about me
Ashley: What??? Honey
Me: Well, two things.
Me: One thing I need to tell u is that I was born with a tail.
Me: And the other thing I need to tell you is that this isn’t Matt. You have the wrong number. Haha
Ashley: Who is this
Me: I am the man who was born with a tail
Ashley: Ur matt right
Me: So you are OK with me being born with a tail, baby?
Ashley: I think it would be cute cn i see a pic
Me: Haha I had it removed.
Me: Do you think it is fair the way people treat each other in high school?
Ashley: No why
Me: Was it easy for you?
Ashley: How am i supposed to belive u
Me: People made fun of me
Ashley: Well i have a little secret myself i have three nipples is that ok
Me: That’s totally hot
Ashley: What did they say
Ashley: Do u think its weird
Me: No baby
Ashley: U must be a wild animal lol
Ashley: What did they say too u
Me: They used to call me Lawrence Tail-or
Ashley: Ohhh ur joking
Me: No, they also yelled that my tail was probably longer than my dong
Me: Oh Ashley
Me: Won’t you touch my tail or maybe my dong?
Me: Listen, we have to end this bit–I’m tired and have to get to bed. Write back something where you are really mad at me for messing with you and we can wrap this up, OK?
Me: I love you Ashley
Ashley: Wiggle wiggle night night
Ashley: Luv u to
Me: By the way, I murdered my younger brother when I was twelve
Ashley: Yes if u joking thats not funny so I dont belive u have a tale and ur crazy im done talking to u bye
Me: Oh Ashley
Ashley: What matt
Me: I’M NOT MATT YOU IDIOT
Me: Wiggle wiggle night night? I mean, I couldn’t write comedy better than that, you three-nippled gullible little dumb-dumb
Ashley: Who r u then
Ashley: U dumb enough to belive i had three nipples u ass
Me: Haha, touche Ashley, touche
Ashley: Ur a dick dont text me back
Ashley: Ur stupid